Your friend/spouse/co-worker/college roommate (insert your relevant acquaintance here) invites you to see their performance in a show. You want to be supportive, so you attend. Unfortunately the show and/or the friend’s performance is the most horrendous theatrical event that you’ve witnessed since your local community theater presented a musical version of A Nightmare on Elm Street 4.
So what do you say in a situation like this?
You could try a tangential compliment, “The sets were really nice”; you might resort to the deflective question, “Where did they find that hat for you?” or you might fall back on the ambiguous one-worder, “Unbelievable!” Whatever tack you choose, more than likely you’re going to have to do a little thinking on your feet. But as any good Boy Scout knows, it pays to be prepared in a crisis situation. So in order to save your relationships I’ve compiled a list of the top ten things you never want to say to anyone after a performance – no matter how stinko:
#10) No, that wasn’t thunder. That was Richard Rodgers rolling over in his grave.
#9) Did you mean to sound like that or was the plague of the frogs caught in your throat?
#8) Have you ever thought about an exciting career in telemarketing?
#7) I couldn’t hear your last number over the gnashing of the teeth and the howling of the dogs.
#6) Shakespeare’s words are so universal but you appear to have fallen into a black hole.
#5) The last time I saw moves like that was at an epileptics’ convention.
#4) Where did you get your training, at the LaToya Jackson Conservatory?
#3) Donald Trump called, he’d like his hair back.
#2) We polled the audience and you’ve been voted off the island.
#1) You got the role, and you didn’t have to sleep with the producer?
There you go - a treasure trove of tact. Support your friends, go see live theater but remember - judge not, lest ye be judged.
