There is a Ten Commandments for just
about everything in life from cell phone etiquette
to gardening. But when it comes to attending live theater
it seems that many “sinners” have forgotten
how to walk the straight and narrow down the aisles.
So I have been instructed by the gods of theater (Aristotle,
William Shakespeare and Jackie Mason) to set before
you the Ten Commandments of seeing a Broadway show.
#1) Thou shall not arrive late – You’ll
miss all of the information that’s doled out
at the beginning of the show. It’s called exposition
and you missed it because you were exposing your late
ass to the audience while you crawled across the entire
third row to get to your seat.
#2) Thou shall not unwrap candy in the theater – Does
anyone really eat hard candy anymore? Well the answer
to that is “yes”, but only in the theater.
If you have to have your sugar fix then please do it
as quickly as possible.
#3) Remember to keep holy the space… and turn
off your electronics – Cell phones, beepers,
iPods, recording devices - turn ‘em off. Better
yet, don’t even bring them.
#4) Thou shall keep an open mind – Take a chance
on something different. If you always go to musicals,
try taking in a play. If Spamalot is sold out, go see
Grey Gardens.
#5) Thou shall keep quiet – Don’t talk.
You’re not in your living room and the other
people around you may not find your deciphering of
the plot as helpful as your husband does.
#6) Thou must keep quiet – Don’t sing along.
I know you’ve seen the show 36 times and know
every lyric by heart, but now is not the time to prove
that.
#7) Remember to stay until the end of the act – The
lights are flashing, the voices are wailing and the
feet are flying for the big finish, but that shouldn’t
be your cue to bolt for the bathroom. I know the bathrooms
are small and the lines are long but it is easier for
a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it
is for you to be first in line in the bathroom. You
might as well see the big finish.
#8) Honor thy standby and understudy – You had
your heart set on seeing that 80’s TV star tackle
the Great White Way but maybe, just maybe, his understudy,
who’s spent his whole life learning how to sing
and dance but who happens not to be famous, might just
blow your socks off.
#9) Thou shall check out BroadwayLiving.com – Want
to know more about the understudy you just saw or more
about the people behind the scenes? Then this is your
Bible.
#10) Enjoy thy selves – It’s live theater:
wrap yourself in it, drink it up, take it all in. What
you are a partner to in those few precious moments
in that theater will never happen precisely the same
way again. You’ve been a witness to something
special. You’ve been part of Broadway.
Thus it is the gods have spoken. Take it to your hearts,
learn it well and we’ll see you in the darkness.
